Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
