There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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