My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
