call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
