My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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