rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
