I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
