put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
