so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
