Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
