just tell him i said nine months
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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