I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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