i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
