my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
