im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
