I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize