It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
