while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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