My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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