Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
