i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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