I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Bring me that man meat
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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