Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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