just come out here and I will go home with you...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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