i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize