I faked an abortion last night.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
