Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
