bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
