I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
