I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
