I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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