i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
