I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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