So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
