I need help removing her.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You made out with two different species that night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
