you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
