he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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