Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
