The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
