So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
