You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
