Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
