Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
