Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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