I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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