glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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