I must be too annoying 4 u.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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