my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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