That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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