Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
