it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
