Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
