when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
