I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
