Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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