When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
