My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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