tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
