i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
