I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
