But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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