Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
