I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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