It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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