i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
worst night to have a conscience
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
