names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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