seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
