I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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