I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
