i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
