i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Sober January is a disaster.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
