It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
