There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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