Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
