And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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